Responsibilities with the Right Reason
It has been 20 days since I last woke up for work. I was always a night person and waking up after only 4 hours of sleep was always a challenge. Although I knew that I had to discipline myself on sleeping early, I also knew that I only gave fewer hours than my 8 office hours for the most important things in my life. My goal every night was to just stretch myself more so I could do more of the things that make me alive.
The never-ending commitments I had had always raised eyebrows for some people I know. Why would I commit myself in many activities that would eventually make me stressed, tired… and fat? (No, don’t look at my arms. It’s a blessing to have these arms slim.)
There was a time that I had to get up from my office table and take a break in comfort room. I had to look at myself on that full body mirror. I had to look at how I was doing.
“Look at those white hairs!”
“Oh, my very hard-earned dark eyebags…”
“…I can’t see life in my eyes.”
I was damn tired.
Some people presumed that I resigned because I just got tired from work. We had a big project in office last year and our team was outnumbered by the number of tasks we had to complete. But I had been through many tasks than this one. I was defending my top 1 position in academics from achieving less than what this position entailed while being a president of the student council of our college. I also worked for a company while attending two schools at the same time. I supported some important work of my family’s printing business while doing my thesis, working in office and studying Japanese. I was working nonstop but never really gave up. Guess I was good at doing things simultaneously.
I just got tired.
Not from work but from everything. I felt that the beauty of living the life left me. And I was so afraid that she would decide not to come back. I got lost from doing and meeting the demands of everyone. I was standing in front of the mirror asking, “What the heck am I doing?”
Then it hit me. I just forgot my reason!
And because I forgot my reason, I just got lost. And because I was lost, I thought to just become comfortable with meeting everyone’s expectations so then this would give me enough reason to still continue. After all, I started to become addicted on how I was good at stretching myself. But… I knew that meeting everyone’s expectations was never my reason. So I got tired in the end.
I had to pause and find my reason.
You see, we can all start doing something for the right reason but end up not doing anything for that reason at all. And it happens when we are so caught up with everything. I am so sorry to say, but most of the time, this “everything” is usually coated with a better term: Responsibilities
But for what?
What is the real reason why we need to be responsible? Sure, we are getting older so we have to be responsible.
But for what?
For what? Seriously.
I remember my professor said when I was job hunting: “Not all opportunities are your opportunities.” And it goes the same with responsibility. Not all responsibilities are your responsibilities. Choose which matters most for the right reason you have. We can only do so much in this life. We need to be smart. Smart on how we have to live our lives.
Before I resigned, I looked for the right reason because it was so good back when I started doing everything.
If just being responsible is the only thing we need to do in this life, then let me off the hook.
I want to be responsible for the right reason.