It Ain’t Smooth

I failed.

To make it more precise, I read NOT PASSED on the JLPT Online Result.

My mind suddenly bared to me all the months I dutifully gave up to study Japanese. My fingers are not enough to count all the nights I have given up to memorize vocabulary and understand grammar and how many social gatherings I have given up to watch jdorama to enhance my listening skill.

This isn’t the first time.

I failed the first screening for overseas scholarship in 2011. That was my first ever attempt to apply for a scholarship and somehow, although I was nervously handing out my application, I thought, maybe, my credentials in college will suffice for a scholarship slot. ばか! I remember the day when I turned my worries off, breathed out and called the hosting office to verify if I was not shortlisted. For two weeks, I shut myself off to everyone. I was seriously didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. But when Mame asked me about the result for the nth time, I just blurted out every emotion I piled up.

But then, friends, a funny thing about me is that I can be very stubborn. Very Stubborn.

I told her “I just tried it once so I will try it again.”

It’s been already 3 years and I am still on my quest.

I can simply just give up after I read I didn’t pass the Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT). After all, this isn’t the first time I failed. At some point, maybe, I was not really meant for this. Maybe my stubbornness is not at the right place. Maybe the people who always shrug off their shoulders at me are right. Maybe, instead of investing my time and money on this, I can be just like everybody else.

I was saddened by the result even though I prayed unreservedly before God and rested the result on His hands. Shouldn’t I be satisfied, at the least, for the experience?

That is what I learned from this failure.

Our paths are not meant to be the same until the end

Our paths are not meant to be the same until the end

I remember when we went to a church in Tagaytay a week before the release of the result. I was looking at the huge bloody body of Jesus hanging on the cross while immensely listening to the humbling orchestra of the church. “God, please refresh me. Please refresh my faith” is what I just uttered after I felt all the tiredness of doubting, working and worrying I piled up over the years amidst my unconsciousness on the long line to the altar. If He was able to conquer all the persecution of the world against Him and still saved everyone and if He still is saying to me that He is faithful on His words, who am I to give up?

So I thought, “I’ll just dive in sadness and just get over it.”

How do you stop sadness?

By welcoming it and living it intensively for a determined amount of period…Once I’ve let sadness pay me a visit, then I kindly ask it to leave. Sadness is then satisfied and leaves.

from Paulo Coelho

I must say it is true that “The Good Fight is the one that we fight in the name of our dreams.” (I got this from my statement shirt). I did not expect that this quest will be smooth. But somehow, along my pursuit, I expected that all my hardship should be paid off as I conceitedly thought I deserve.

But God has His own crazy but amazing way of showing us His own plan.

I need to know what God's way.

I need to know God’s way

For a millisecond after my emo-moment, my stubbornness struck me again. I will continue my quest and this time, I will not settle on just about anything. I WILL not only be shortlisted but WILL be granted with the scholarship and I WILL get triple A on JLPT N4. Damn. This must be the refreshment I was praying before.

This is I. So Emo. Har Har.

This is I.    So Emo.    Har Har.

Why would I give up if God is not giving up on His words?

Why would I walk my quest alone if He is always willing to walk with me?

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all…

Proverbs 3:5-7

So, here I am, still on my quest. =)